It's proclamation Sunday!

As I was cleaning my bicycle yesterday afternoon, chipping globs of grease off the chain (I really ought to clean it more often), I was trying to think of ways to kick-start my campaign. Sure, the recent endorsements help, but gotta maintain that momentum. So I thought maybe some proclamations might do the trick.

1. From this point forward, athletic activities called "routines" and requiring musical accompaniment will no longer be Olympic events. Softball will be immediately reinstated.
2. In political campaigns, lies will be called lies - not stretching the truth, twisting the facts, exaggerating an opponent's position, etc. - and those who say them will be called liars (that means you, John "Lyin' Liar" McCain).
3. Drivers will be respectful and deferential toward bicyclists. Bicyclists will be required to wear a "Bicycle commuters for Obama" t-shirt at all times.
4. World leaders will be expelled from office if photographed wearing a sweater. If said sweater is a sweater vest, the leader will be executed.
5. The University of Maryland women's basketball team will win the ACC (regular season and tournament) and make it to the Final Four. Go Terps!
6. Politicians who wish to dictate how you will live without practicing it themselves will be disqualified (e.g., spouting abstinence only, while teenage daughter gets pregnant). Assuming said politician was even qualified to be PTA president.

Tomorrow, Tonya and I will be invading Canada. Even though John "Lyin' Liar" McCain will try to tell you it's a stunt to get attention, don't listen to him because he's a liar who will say anything to win this campaign - even go so far as to say Obama is the one who will say anything to win this campaign. Ok, I'll admit that even Barack Obama has said things that could meet the definition of lies. But, as someone in Obama's camp said, don't succumb to the "symmetry of sin." Here's an excellent example of that: Clinton lies about sex with an intern. Bush lies about WMD in Iraq. Equal? Hardly.

Back to invading Canada: We have it on good authority that an "O. bin Laden" opened a checking account at a Scotia Bank branch in Maple Ridge, BC. In return, he got a toaster. So we're going to hunt him down. Tonya is in Canada now, renting a helicopter and securing some hunting rifles.