Concession speech

My friends, it's been a long couple of months, but the election is now over. I tried to call President-Elect Obama to extend my most sincere congratulations, but he's not listed.

I will now go back to my private life and begin my search for a new job. While I had hoped the voters would hand me one, I realize now that we must all put in the effort for ourselves. You rat bastards. You couldn't do this one little thing I asked of you. May you all rot in hell.

Ahem. Clearly, someone has hacked into my laptop and rewritten my concession speech.

2012 isn't that far away, even though Sarah Palin says it is, so I may be back. And when I do come back, you can be darn tootin' sure I'll be able to name the continents. Yes, I already know that Africa is one.

Tonya has been a fine running mate, but has told me she plans to return to her private life and has no interest in running for office again. So as 2012 draws near, I'll be considering new running mate possibilities. I may consider a fellow sock critter instead of a human, but there's plenty of time to assess the political viability of that.

Again, to my supporter(s), I thank you. Even though your donation check is still in the mail, I know you've given me your full support and did everything you could to get me elected.

Thank you, may Sock Monkey bless you and the United States of America. And Canada.

President Barack Obama!

Wow! What a fantastic moment in our history. Congratulations, Barack. You deserve this. You EARNED this.

Go vote, dammit!

Don't read this. Go vote! If you don't see my name on the ballot, go ahead and vote for Obama. It's ok. I won't be offended. The only way I'll be offended is if McCain wins.

Yeah, so, we went to see Obama last night in Manassas, Virginia. They let people in at 5:00, and the program was to start at 9:00. Already, that's four plus hours on your feet. We got there a bit after 4:00 and there were already a few thousand people there. When we got in, we were probably 7 or 8 rows from the stage. That turned out to be pretty good because the place was packed! I've seen estimates from 80,000 to 100,000. In Virginia! On a Monday, the day before the election! I think that's more than McCain got at all seven of his rallies yesterday.

Obama was running late and didn't get there until 10:30. Ugh! My back and legs were killing me by that point and the crowd was beginning to get restless. I was a little worried we'd go all McCain on each other, but it turned out ok.

[A little tip for the Obama staff: Really, it's ok to share information. If you'd told us he was delayed and gave us an ETA, we would have been fine. We wouldn't have left and would have been nicer to the band. Honest. Nothing at all wrong with setting expectations.]

The worst part was the people behind us. While I think it's great that so many parents wanted their children to have a chance to see Obama, expecting little kids (like, 6 or 7 years old, or younger) to behave for 6 hours is absurd. Even if Obama had been on time, that's a lot to ask of a little kid. And a lot to ask of the people those kids step on and bump into.

Then there were the adults with the kids. One of them shouted "Hallelujah!" at every feasible opportunity. She was a bit of a nutcase. And she was a leaner. Seriously. My partner was practically giving her a piggy back ride, that's how close she was.

But that's to be expected in a crowd that size. Obama was worth it, though. Man, he knows how to inspire people!

So go vote. Vote for Barack Obama. He's the president we deserve.

Last chance!

Ok, this is it. The last chance for me to make the case for my candidacy. Let's review my qualifications:

• I meet the age requirement.
• I was born in the US and, therefore, am a US citizen.
• I already live in DC, so there won't be a big moving expense.
• I need the job.

That's a pretty solid resume, if you ask me. Let's not discuss the VP side of things. Nothing against Tonya, but I'm pretty healthy so completing my term shouldn't be an issue.

I don't know what kinds of last minute attacks my opponents could try. Obama seems pretty content to cruise along. McCain will no doubt try to question the resident status of my cats, both of which were adopted from the Texas chapter of Siamese Rescue. Palin will no doubt try to hunt them. Good thing they are strictly indoor kitties.

Hey, how about McCain's latest endorsement? Dick Cheney! What a coup!

Oh! Oh! Guess who I'm going to see tonight! BARACK OBAMA! He's going to be in Manassas, Virginia, so we're going! EEEeeeeek!

Don't forget: Obama-Jama tomorrow night when watching the returns on MSNBC!

First amendment hoo-ha

That Sarah Palin is something else. I certainly hope she's never appointed to the Supreme Court because it's pretty clear she (a) has never read the Constitution, and (2) doesn't have a freakin' clue what she's talking about. My guess is she and Joe the Plumber have had some late night discussions about the Constitution. Wow - just got a chill up my spine.

It's absolutely worth repeating her comments about the First Amendment:

"If [the media] convince enough voters that that is negative campaigning, for me to call Barack Obama out on his associations, then I don't know what the future of our country would be in terms of First Amendment rights and our ability to ask questions without fear of attacks by the mainstream media."

She is so wrong on so many levels, it makes my brain hurt.

VOTERS: Let me make this perfectly clear to you. You should want a president who is way smarter than you, who is calm under fire and is thoughtful and considered when making tough decisions. Did I mention the way smarter part? I did? Well, it's worth repeating. Way WAY smarter than you. Hey, I know! Let's elect a CONSTITUTIONAL SCHOLAR like, say, Barack Obama. For the love of god, people, how can you even think about putting Palin one 72-year-old, cancer-ridden heartbeat away from the Oval Office?

And speaking of God, what on earth has happened to Liddy Dole? She has put out not one, but TWO ads claiming her Sunday-school-teaching opponent is an atheist. Don't get me wrong. I think a person's religion should be of no consequence when determining fitness for office, and I believe religion (specifically Christianity) is too influential in our political world. But to blatantly lie and question a person's character like that? Shameful. Looks like Dole is going down, and if she keeps this up, it will be a rout. Good.

In a shameless plug, our 2009 sock monkey calendar is now available. The photo for May (also below) is a follow-up to Palin's butchering of Madeline Albright's comment about a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. You probably can't read the little sign behind Satan, but it says "Reserved for S. Palin". Heh.

Four more days

Yes, the end is near. And I sincerely hope it brings the end of Joe the Plumber. That McCain has foisted this nutjob on us is reason enough for McCain to lose. Joe the Plumber recently agreed with a fellow nutjob who said, "a vote for Obama is a vote for the death of Israel." I mean, Joe got Fox News to defend Obama! That is some seriously wild shit. You have to be a pretty major nutbar to get that to happen.

Be sure to watch the video clip of McCain calling for JtP, only to learn he wasn't there. I believe this was at the "rally" where 2/3 of the audience had to be bused in from local schools. Give it up, Johnny. You are going to LOSE.

I wish I could say that the election of President Barack Obama also would mean the end of Sarah Palin. Alas, it's extremely unlikely that we will have seen the last of her. I call upon all Alaskans to do whatever is necessary to bring this woman down. Oh, and please don't re-elect Ted Stevens!

Anyway...I voted yesterday. I needed to get out of the house so I hopped on my bike and rode down to Judiciary Square. There was a steady stream of people coming in to vote. Pretty amazing, actually. Not that there's a big surprise who will win in DC. Obama should easily get over 90% of the vote. Then I swung by the Obama DC office to get a t-shirt for a friend. Guess my friend isn't voting for me. That's ok, I suppose. Let's face it: now I'm running just for the paycheck.

Whack job?

Tonya is furious! One of McCain's top advisers called Sarah Palin a whack job. Don't you think that term is better suited to Tonya Harding? All I know is that I'm wearing knee pads today.

Such dissension in the McCain-Palin camp. Tsk. If McCain and his advisors had done their homework before plucking Palin from obscurity, they would have known about her penchant for stabbing people in the back. So I don't feel a lot of sympathy for them, nor do I feel any for Palin. She shamelessly promoted herself to get this opportunity. Know what I think is going to happen after the election? I think she's going to move to Arizona and run against McCain when he's up for re-election.

McCain has been making a lot of snide comments about Obama measuring the drapes in the Oval Office, but that's just absurd. I'm the one who's been doing that (and I'm thinking blinds this time around). In fact, my campaign has even had a dress rehearsal for inauguration day.

Vote for me - I need the job

Yesterday I joined the ranks of the unemployed. That's right, I was laid off from my day job. I am now a statistic - one of the many who will have filed for unemployment in October. Can I just say that this sucks? Big time?

I may need some of Palin's $150K wardrobe when I go job hunting. Anybody know what size she is?

To Obama: I guess I might have some more time to volunteer for your campaign. I hope you'll keep that in mind when you start hiring people for your new administration. No, I really don't have the political skills you'll likely be looking for. But I'm enthusiastic, hard-working and organized. I look forward to your call.

McCain at my alma mater! Ack!

McCain was at the University of Northern Iowa in Cedar Falls, Iowa yesterday. Note it is not called Northern Iowa University. It's University of Northern Iowa. Get it right, press folk. Anyway, the crowd was a whopping 2,000. Which is...um...1/50th (or, if you prefer, 2%) of what Obama drew in Denver.

You know things aren't going well in your campaign when you have to send an adviser to the back of the plane to anonymously tell reporters that reports of tension between the McCain and Palin factions are overblown. But not, apparently, inaccurate.

[Quick aside: My Canadian friend sent me an amusing article that explains socialism to Americans. My main disagreement with it is that it says Palin is, and I quote, "hot". Ew.]

So the question has been raised: Is Obama poised to become the next president because of how well he has run his campaign, or is it due to the poorly run campaign of McCain? I'm going to hedge on this one and say both.

Obama seems to have set some principles at the beginning of the campaign, and has stuck to those themes. There hasn't been the lurching from position to position because the positions have already been staked out. The campaign staff have a lot of discipline, and the ground crew that manages volunteers is massive and well organized. You could even make the argument that Obama's executive experience in running his campaign means he is more than qualified to be president.

McCain, well, not so much. Whoever is running his campaign has been very reactive to the issue of the day instead of taking a more steady approach. This led to "lurching" used quite often to describe McCain. Steve Schmidt - the mastermind behind the "suspend the campaign!" disaster - should be sacrificed when all is said and done. And Sarah Palin? What more is there to say? If McCain can't even manage his campaign staff, how on earth can we expect him to be successful as president?

Only 9 days left!

I was so sure I was going to be endorsed by the Anchorage Daily News. Instead, what do they do? They endorse Obama! What the hell? While they acknowledge that Palin isn't ready, they are unsatisfyingly nice toward her. I guess her reputation as one to hold a grudge has cowed them a bit. Tsk.

So how about all that early voting, eh? My partner voted yesterday; I plan to vote sometime this week since I'm taking election day off to drive people to the polls for the Obama campaign. Yes, I'm still researching what goes into a successful campaign strategy. If I thought McCain had a strategy, maybe I'd do some research there, too. Nah. Who am I kidding? I'd never do that.

The finger-pointing has begun, as noted yesterday. Some Republicans are suggesting that McCain focus on minimizing damage by trying to help senate and house candidates. It seems pretty unlikely he'll do that. After all, he keeps saying he has Obama right where he wants him. Ok, Senator McCain. Whatever you say.

In response to my Canadian friend's comment from yesterday, I used the term snow machine because that is what the Palin's use. I agree - it's a snowmobile. I don't know why they call it a snow machine. Maybe it's the same logic that causes Palin to refer to Troopergate as Tasergate.

Palin goes rogue!

Politico has a story about how Palin is unhappy with some of her advisers and has decided to go rogue. I don't know whether to laugh or cower in fear.

It should come as no surprise to anyone that McCain loyalists blame Palin, and Palin loyalists blame McCain. My guess is that when the rout is over...if not sooner:

• McCain will accept the blame; if he points fingers at anyone, it will be the media
• Some of his advisers and campaign staff (like the never-to-be-hired-for-a-campaign-ever-again Steve Schmidt) will blame Palin and the media
• Palin will throw McCain and everyone close to him under the bus, climb into the driver's seat, run over them repeatedly, get out and watch as Todd runs over them repeatedly with his snow machine, then climb into a helicopter and shoot them, and finally stab them all in the back with a stiletto heel

If there's more she can do to skewer McCain and Co., she'll do it. Heck, they are probably responsible for Troopergate and are the mysterious man-made cause of global warming.

What I don't think she'll do is take any responsibility for her own contributions to this Titanic-like disastrous campaign. I don't know how she can not take the blame for the disastrous Katie Couric interview, or for her inability to speak in coherent sentences, but she'll blame someone. That seems to be her way.

Alaskans, I hope you will do the right thing by her and make sure her actions in the rest of her term completely disqualify her for national office. It's in your hands now.

Montana?!

Montana is in play for Obama? Montana?! Wow. Since McCain didn't heed my advice to concede a couple of weeks ago, I'm now going to suggest he just stop campaigning. He, and all Republicans, should just stop talking. Really, that's the only hope they have. Every time one of them opens their mouth, something comes out that is just incredibly stupid.

Like the doofus who ranted about Obama taking his campaign plane to see his ailing grandmother. Or, as the doofus put it, "taking a 767 campaign plane to go visit Grandma." Visit grandma? Like she had called to say she'd baked his favorite cookies, but he can only get one if he visits? The idea that anyone could even compare this to Palin's $150K spending spree is just absurd. At least the newsperson laughed at the doofus.

Or how about McCain's brother calling 911 to complain about traffic? Then he cursed at the operator who said the number should be used only for emergencies.

Honestly, what are these people thinking? It really is like they are trying to lose. Nancy Pfotenhauer (I believe that rhymes with "foot-in-mouth") certainly has job security, trying to spin this nonsense. Like I've said, though, it doesn't matter how good you are, this stuff is just unspinnable.

I wish I had a secret service contingent because I think two of my "supporters" are trying to kill me by clogging my arteries and raising my cholesterol (see comments to previous post).

How many more days?

I am ready for this election to be over. I'm sure McCain and Palin want to be put out of their misery as well. Or maybe it's just the majority of voters who want them out of our lives? Whatever. 12 days to Obama-Jama.

There's an editorial in today's NY Times that mentions an email going around saying that Obama isn't going to Hawaii to visit his ailing grandmother. No, the email claims, he's going to destroy evidence that he wasn't born in the US. This is stupid on so many levels that I'm not even going to argue why it's so stupid. Besides, McCain is the one who wasn't born in the US (naval base in Panama). (For the record, I was born in Fort Madison, Iowa.)

Palin's $150,000 wardrobe (to be donated for charitable use just as soon as they lose) is quite the little story. Personally, I don't care if she buys designer clothes. I get that being a candidate requires appropriate clothing, and that it takes more outfits and dollars for women. My problem with this is twofold:

1) $150,000!!!! In less than 2 months!!!
2) The RNC paid the bills. Using money donated, presumably, for promoting Repub candidates and the conservative agenda.

Think about what you could buy with that much money. Heck, I bet you could buy Canada. I'm not sure what this "Poutine" is that my Canadian friend mentions, but I bet you could buy a lot of it with $150K.

Anyway, the last thing McCain-Palin needed was for the spending spree to be the big story of the day. Or maybe the last thing they needed were the reports coming out about dissension within the campaign. The NY Times will have a story in this weekend's Magazine that, I have to tell you, is a must-read. It's like they are trying to lose. How on earth could anybody think the whole "suspend the campaign" idea was a good one?

Then there's the latest joint McCain-Palin interview, this one for NBC. They don't seem to like each other much these days, and Palin's announcement that, sure, she'll release her medical records was a surprise to the campaign staff. Oh, how I wish that had been caught on camera! Maybe next time. And, make no mistake, there will be a next time.

Back on the trail

I suspended my campaign for the day yesterday because I had a broken nail and no nail file. It was driving me nuts! But it's all fixed now so I'm back at it today. I'd like to express my gratitude to Senator McCain for not issuing a robo-call about my nail.

If I'd kept my campaign going yesterday, I maybe could have kept Tonya from looking at the news. She really needs to stop listening to Sarah Palin. Now Tonya thinks she's going to go into the Senate and let them know who's boss. She's never heard of this "Constitooshun" thing that Keith Olbermann ranted about.

Even worse, though, are the reports that the RNC has spent $150,000 on clothes and accessories for the Palin clan. If Tonya wants to spend $15, our campaign will have to take out a loan. A McCain spokeswoman had this to say: “The campaign does not comment on strategic decisions regarding how financial resources available to the campaign are spent." Strategic decisions? Like, a three inch heel will deliver a better economic message than a two inch heel?

The campaign later had this to say: "With all of the important issues facing the country right now, it’s remarkable that we’re spending time talking about pantsuits and blouses. It was always the intent that the clothing go to a charitable purpose after the campaign." Important issues facing the country...LIKE THE ECONOMIC CRISIS??? You know, I almost feel sorry for the McCain spokespeople. I don't care how good they are, they cannot spin this stuff. It's unspinnable.

Anyway...My Canadian friend posted a comment to the post on medical histories, suggesting that it's the mental health histories we should be concerned about. My response is this: "What's that supposed to mean? Are you questioning my mental health? You know darn well I'm under the care of a psychiatrist and take medication."

Oops. Did I say that out loud?

Medical history

The NY Times has an article today about the medical histories of the candidates (prez and VP). If they had asked me, I'd have granted them an interview. Alas, they didn't, so I'll tell you about my medical history.

Um...I'm pretty healthy. I exercise regularly (bicycle commuter) and am a vegetarian. Although, don't assume I'm a healthy eater just because I'm a vegetarian. My friends refer to me as a vegetarian who doesn't like vegetables. That's an exaggeration, of course. I love french fries.

No big injuries or anything. I had surgery on my knee a few years ago to remove a cyst (it was nothing). I cut my foot open when I was 5 and had to get stitches, and my brother and sister had to pull me around in a wagon. I currently have tendinitis in my right elbow. My lower back is a little stiff this morning.

So there you have it. Nothing that would preclude me from fulfilling my duties as prez. As for Tonya's health, you'll have to ask her. She boxed for awhile, so there's always the possibility of some lingering brain injury.

A couple of stories of note this morning:

You know all that fuss the Repubs are making over ACORN? Well, there has been an arrest in a voter fraud case. In a lovely display of justice, the owner of a firm hired by the California GOP to register voters was arrested -- on charges that his own registration was fraudulent. And I'm going to use this mention of ACORN to once again urge you to buy underpants for any naked squirrels in your neighborhood.

Did you know that Barack Obama is black?! I had no idea, until Rush Limbaugh and other far-right nutjobs said that's the only reason Colin Powell has endorsed Obama. Because Colin Powell is known as someone who doesn't think and is only interested in race. He certainly didn't list any valid reasons for supporting Obama over McCain. Nosireebob. I can only assume, then, that Limbaugh supports McCain because he's white. Pasty white, at that.

God, these guys are such nimrods. Why do people listen to them?

Pro-America

This has been reported all over the place, but let's take another look at Sarah Palin's description of what parts of the country are Pro-America:

• Not Washington, DC
• Small towns
• Home of hard-working patriots
• Home of those who run factories, grow food, fight wars

Blah blah blah.

What she really means is:

• Overwhelmingly white - higher than the national average
• Racist and sexist
• Republican

Sorry for the redundancy. But I mean, really. What complete and utter crap. Now her line of assault is being picked up by others. Like the Minnesota Representative who thinks members of Congress should be investigated to determine if they are pro- or anti-American. This has rightly been condemned as McCarthy-ism. Or the McCain aide who says GOP support is strong in the "real" Virginia, by which she meant any part of the state where GOP support is strong. She defined this as those parts that are more "Southern in nature." Hmm. Wonder what THAT means.

Anyhoo...so Colin Powell has endorsed Obama. That hurts, Colin. That really hurts. I thought we had a deal! Now you must endure Tonya's wrath. Sorry for the damage you're about to endure to your knees. Maybe if I'd been able to raise $150MILLION in September, things would have been different.

I'm beginning to think Obama is going to win this thing. 16 days to Obama-Jama!

Proud to be an American

There are certainly a lot of video clips around with McCain's supporters saying the kinds of things that no doubt make McCain wipe a tear from his eye as he professes how proud he is of these patriotic Americans:

• “I’m afraid if he wins, the blacks will take over. He’s not a Christian! This is a Christian nation! What is our country gonna end up like?”
• “When you got a Negra running for president, you need a first stringer. He’s definitely a second stringer.”
• “He seems like a sheep - or a wolf in sheep’s clothing to be honest with you. And I believe Palin - she’s filled with the Holy Spirit, and I believe she’s gonna bring honesty and integrity to the White House.”
• “He’s related to a known terrorist, for one.”
• “He is friends with a terrorist of this country!”
• “He must support terrorists! You know, uh, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it must be a duck. And that to me is Obama.”
• “Just the whole, Muslim thing, and everything, and everybody’s still kinda - a lot of people have forgotten about 9/11, but… I dunno, it’s just kinda… a little unnerving.”
• “Obama and his wife, I’m concerned that they could be anti-white. That he might hide that.”
• “I don’t like the fact that he thinks us white people are trash… because we’re not!”

And let's not forget the GOP mailing that shows Obama's face on food stamps, surrounded by pictures of watermelon, ribs, and fried chicken.

And while McCain vigorously claimed that he has repudiated any offensive remarks directed at Obama, he has yet to do so in response to the head of the Virginia GOP who linked Obama with Osama bin Laden. In fact, they are campaigning together this weekend!

Why is it that David Letterman is the one to ask McCain about his association with G. Gordon Liddy? Even though Liddy is unrepentant, he's apparently ok because he went to jail. I guess earning a PhD and becoming a highly regarded expert in education and a contributing member of society means nothing if you haven't gone to jail.

Yes, John McCain, you must be very proud.

The Final Debate

Not quite the smack-down everyone expected, but McGrumpy got in a few shots. You might not have noticed, but I left after an hour. McCain smells like somebody's grandpa, plus he was doing that karate chop thing to emphasize his points. He was lurching from garbled point to garbled point, and I was afraid one of those karate chops was going to land on my head.

It's a good thing for Blinky McNasty that I left before the Roe v. Wade question came up. If I had been there when he did his air quotes and made his sneering remark about protecting women's health, he would have had his booster seat shoved up his ass. How DARE he belittle women and the choices we have to make. Quite frankly, his mocking response isn't getting anywhere near the press it should. I guess we're all too interested in Joe the Plumber. I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that JtP is male. (Ok, I've seen the photos - he is a white male.) Not saying there's sexism involved, but...it has a certain sexist aroma about it.

I don't know how Obama manages to appear so unflappable. I really wanted him to go for the jugular and bring up Troopergate, McCain's transition chief lobbying on behalf of Saddam Hussein, Keating, etc. etc. etc. It was probably wiser and safer to stick to the issues and not stoop to McCain's level. But nowhere near as satisfying for Obama supporters who want to see McCain squirm and squeal like the pig-dog that he is.

Here are my top five most annoying/outrageous things that came out of McCain's mouth:

5. Joe the Plumber.

4. "Sarah Palin is a role model to women" and "I'm proud of her" and "Her husband's a pretty tough guy, by the way, too."

3. Ayers, ACORN, "My campaign is about getting this economy back on track." (whiplash!)

2. "The whole premise behind Senator Obama's plans are class warfare, let's spread the wealth around."

1. "Just again, the example of the eloquence of Senator Obama. He's health for the mother. You know, that's been stretched by the pro-abortion movement in America to mean almost anything.
That's the extreme pro-abortion position, quote, 'health.'"

'Nuff said.

Isn't it over yet?

Canada has the right idea - candidates get 6 weeks to campaign. The US system is absurd in that regard. Really, what are people going to learn in the next three weeks that they didn't get in the last 18 months? Are the hundreds of millions of dollars spent on campaigns really the best use of that money? Let's end this now before McCain and Palin embarrass themselves even more. My face hurts from wincing over every lurch and "you betcha".

Take tonight's debate as an example. Last week, Obama said that McCain didn't have the guts to bring up the Ayers thing to his face. McCain has pretty much guaranteed that, one way or another, he will do it tonight. Uh...can you say TRAP? Good lord, is McCain the only one who doesn't see that that is exactly what Obama wants him to do? I bet even Palin knows that. Well, maybe not. She's pretty busy trashing Obama at every opportunity. (Am I the only one who finds it more than a little unsettling that she seems to take such delight in making these attacks?) With the recent reports that McCain's transition chief lobbied for Saddam Hussein, McCain should rethink his plan. Should, but won't. Stubborn bastard.

Anyway, I have a new strategy for tonight's debate. Instead of pointing out the obvious, I'm going to try humor. That seems to be working for Rachel Maddow, even if some Republicans don't like it. Here's a sneak preview:

What are the top 5 things on George Bush's to-do list for when he leaves the White House?

5. Finish reading My Pet Goat.
4. Sit in a dark room for 6 months and cry.
3. Try to get a job in this Obama fella's administration because he sounds like he has some pretty good ideas, unlike that lurching guy.
2. Visit foreign countries, like Alaska.
1. Get Dick Cheney's hand out of my ass, once and for all.

Today's strategy

At least, it's my strategy until the Magic 8-Ball tells me to try something different. So here is my new campaign slogan:

Monkeys Could Do This Job!

I hope it won't come to this, but if I have to do this during tomorrow night's debate, I will. I will point out that McCain is old and Obama is black (said in a stage whisper). I am a monkey...and what does my slogan say? 'Nuff said. What more do voters need to know?

Back to Troopergate and Palin's claim that she was cleared of any wrongdoing. The Washington Post's fact-checker gives her the maximum four Pinocchios ("Whoppers") for that. What a bizarre strategy: say something enough times and it becomes true. Worked so well for tying Saddam Hussein with 9/11, didn't it? Wait a second. McCain seems to still believe that. Where has he been?

McCain also wouldn't denounce the head of the Virginia GOP for telling canvassers to compare Obama with Osama bin Laden. McCain said, "I have to look at the context of his remarks." Because, of course, there is a context in which such a comparison is okey-dokey.

Honestly, is there a better word than "shameful" to describe the McCain-Palin campaign?

Only 21 days until Obama-Jama!

Does McCain read my blog???

A couple of days ago I said that the only way McCain can win is to quit. This morning I read William Kristol's column in the NY Times and, while he doesn't suggest McCain quit, he does say that McCain needs to get rid of his current campaign staff, stop the negative ads, and start over. I bet McCain wishes he could get a redo on the VP pick. Also.

There are a couple of potential pitfalls for McCain, should he choose to go this route. One is that it could look like he's lurching toward yet another strategy. Which he would be; it'll just look obvious. The other potential pitfall is that the strategy described by Kristol would require some discipline on McCain's part to stay on message and remain relatively positive. I just don't see that happening. And who knows what Palin would do. Todd will probably get mad and try to bully McCain into firing Wooten.

I think I will also announce a dramatic change in my campaign strategy sometime before Wednesday's debate. I may still quit, unless McCain's lurch beats me to it, but I need to have another option at the ready. Considering the response Palin received while dropping the puck at the Flyers' game this past weekend, maybe I should go for the hockey vote. I'll have more on my new strategy tomorrow.

Only 22 days to Obama-Jama!

Let's party!

Ok, it's early yet, and Tonya and I aren't even making a blip in the polls. (Although, McCain has been sliding in the polls ever since we announced our candidacy. Coincidence? I think not.) But I'm willing to celebrate if (when) Obama wins.

That's why I'm going on record now saying that election night parties should be pajama parties. Obama-Jama! Get it? I'm too clever to be president, aren't I? I should copyright Obama-Jama.

By the way, ever since Joe Biden made the comment about McCain lurching from position to position, I've seen several news articles that use "lurch" in connection to McCain. Heh. The creators of The Addams Family will probably ask McCain to cease and desist.

Busted!

Tsk. Sarah Palin has been caught using her office for a personal vendetta. Of course, she denies it and claims the report vindicates her. It's a big report and no doubt uses lots of words and few pictures, so she probably hasn't read it. Besides, she has to read every newspapers first. Even so, the findings aren't damning enough to end her political career, so we shouldn't rest yet.

My sister made an interesting observation about Todd and Sarah's relationship. My sister has worked with abused women, so has some experience in this area. She thinks the level of Todd's involvement in Sarah's position as governor is, in her technical term, kinda creepy. She also thinks Sarah has mental issues, and I'm inclined to agree. The woman is a freakin' nutbar.

Tonya completely understands how Sarah feels. She knows what it's like when your husband takes a grudge to an extreme. Once the campaign is over, she thinks she'll take Sarah out for a beer.

Well, McCain finally chastised some supporters for their nasty comments about Obama. And was booed. He can't feel good about what's happening. I'm convinced that the only way he can win is to quit. That's right. Quit. During the next debate, in the middle of an attack about Ayers, he should stop, sigh, and say something like:

"My friends, I can't do this anymore. I'm embarrassed and ashamed of the way my campaign has riled up our supporters to the point of threatening violence. I'm ashamed of my part in that and Governor Palin's part in that. There is no place in our great country for such divisive tactics.

"And it was irresponsible of me to select Governor Palin as my running mate. She is horrifically unqualified for the position. We all have a right to be concerned about my age and my health and the possibility of her becoming President. Senator Obama, you have run the campaign I had hoped to run. Even though there are three weeks before election day, I am conceding now. Congratulations, Senator."

And if he doesn't do it, I will. That seems like a brilliant strategy, and it just might get me a few more votes.

Happy Troopergate Friday!

Yes, it's October 10th, the day the Troopergate report is sent to the Alaska legislature. I hope they do the right thing and make the report public. Of course, Palin has already investigated herself and determined she did nothing wrong. As noted on the Mudflats blog, wow - that was a nail-biter.

Their story is that Wooten - the trooper in question - conspired over drinks to have Monegan's firing pinned on the Palins. With all due respect, Wooten just isn't that smart. So what they're saying is, a drunk moron crafted the master plan that may put an end to Palin's political aspirations, or at least be an albatross around her neck. Riiiiight.

Perhaps when McCain-Palin lose, they can whip their supporters into a frenzy and unleash the mob on Wooten. Have you seen some of the videos of their supporters? These are some scary-ass, hateful people. Hateful. Frighteningly hateful. I know I started off my campaign in order to take away McCain's supporters, but geez. These people scare the crap out of me.

I'm going to go where Obama dares not tread. If McCain is such a he-man hero, why is he letting his wife and Sarah Palin do the dirty work? Why is he hiding behind their designer skirts? You've been emasculated, John! Eunuch McCain, that's what we're going to call you. Shameful. Just shameful.

Incendiary campaign tactics

The McCain campaign was at it again yesterday, with a surrogate using Obama's middle name to scare people. And by "people" I mean "morons". I mean, really. It's a sad state of affairs if we're going to hide in the basement because of someone's name.

I take that back. The thought of President Sarah Palin causes me to curl up into the fetal position.

But back to my point. McCain and Palin are whipping up their supporters into a near-violent frenzy. And what are they doing to address the racist and hateful comments being shouted and caught on microphones? Issuing a press release condemning the remarks. Hey, doncha think you could do a bit more than that? Like, condemn it -- out loud -- when it happens? Can't you hear McCain's scolding voice now: "You don't say that out loud! At least, not near a microphone." Then Palin will chip in, "Also!"

And will somebody please tell Cindy McCain to take a valium? She's stressing her facelift.

Anyway, at work yesterday, I decided to do a little test. I randomly called people terrorist, and if someone dared disagree with me, they were accused of treason. This may come as a surprise to you, but nobody liked it. Even those that chuckled a bit took a couple of steps back and nervously looked around for an exit. So I don't think I'll adopt this particular campaign tactic.

"That one."

"No, the one next to it. With the chocolate icing. Yes, that's it. I'll take two."

Thus began my day at Dunkin' Donuts.

I have a confession to make: I fell asleep. I wanted to stay up for the debate, but they start too late for me. I know what you're thinking. 9:00 ET is too late? Yes. Yes it is. I'm not going to tell you what time I get up. Let's just say I need my beauty sleep and leave it at that.

The first thing I read this morning about the debate mentioned McCain's "That one" remark. I'd just like to go on record as stating that McCain didn't even acknowledge my presence. At least, I don't think he did. Again, I was napping.

But from what I've read, I probably wasn't the only one who dozed off before it was over. Which is not good news for McCain. I thought he was supposed to excel in the town hall format. Perhaps he was mystified by his wife's remarks that Obama has "waged the dirtiest campaign in American history." McCain's gotta be thinking: "Is Cindy using again? I thought I was running the dirtiest campaign."

Sad little man

Normally, "sad little man" is what I call basketball officials. I'm thinking this upcoming hoops season, I may just taunt them with "John McCain." He is now the ultimate sad little man, in my book. I've read a couple of things recently, one by a reporter who has covered him for the last 20+ years and the other in Rolling Stone, that make him out to be a petty crybaby.

Then again, if Sarah Palin were my running mate, I'd be crying in my oatmeal every morning. She's like the popular girl in high school who smiled to your face while stabbing you in the back. Except most people grow out of that stage. She not only hasn't, she's taken it to a whole new level. I find it very disturbing that there are people in her audiences who are shouting out "Kill him!" in reference to Obama. Where's the outrage over such comments from the McCain-Palin camp? And it's bad enough that they won't let the media near Palin, but now they aren't allowing the media to speak to supporters.

I mean, we all know that Tonya has some baggage, and I've been known to flip off a driver or two (hey, I'm on a bicycle - you don't need to cut me off). But if I ever heard anyone shouting out death threats to an opponent, I'd nip that in the bud. But, you know, I'm not a sad little man.

Anyhoo...Palin's tax returns for the last two years finally came out last week. My sister asked me how a family with that income can have over $2M in assets. The only thing I can think of is that they clearly have no plans to send their children to college.

Talkin' smack

I feel so silly. As it turns out, the McCain campaign does, in fact, have a strategy. It's incredibly simple. Just complete this sentence: "Barack Obama pals around with [insert bad person or group here]." It doesn't even have to be true. The more outrageous, the better. Like Palin saying Obama pals around with terrorists, a lame attempt at a connection that has been disproven multiple times.

Let's try a few more on for size, and let's not show party preference:

• Obama pals around with...Joe Biden.
• McCain pals around with...Sarah Palin.
• Obama pals around with...David Plouffe.
• McCain pals around with...lobbyists for the financial industry.
• Obama pals around with...naked squirrels.
• McCain pals around with...Charles Keating.

With this strategy, the Count the Lies site may blow up.

Wait a second...naked squirrels?! That sounds like a potential game changer to me. If you care at all about America, I encourage you to buy some squirrel underpants today for every squirrel in your yard. This must be nipped in the bud before the McCain campaign gets wind of it and tries to use it against Obama.

God bless America.

I [heart] Katie Couric

Sarah Palin was "annoyed" at Katie Couric, and that's why she was so awful. Katie Couric. Katie Couric! If Sarah Palin can't survive an interview with KATIE COURIC, how on earth will she react to someone being hostile -- like, say, when Putin rears his head. Pfft. She should stick to chatting with Fox News, where she won't ever be challenged and she'll continue to think she's doing well.

Anyway...I've started volunteering for the Obama campaign. Why? Well, it's simple. I'm trying to get some insight into what a successful campaign strategy might look like.

Clearly, studying McCain's strategy (assuming there is one) is an excellent way to learn what NOT to do. As you may recall, McCain claimed victory in the first debate...before he'd even said for sure he was going. Then an ad after the VP debate had a quote saying what a great job Palin did. The quote was attributed to "Famous Person." I kid you not. Then there's the fact that McCain field offices just don't have many volunteers, unlike the Obama offices. Never mind the sheer stupidity of being the last straw to the fine folks at FiveThirtyEight.com. Really, you need to read their post. Did you know McCain-Palin couldn't even outdraw an Obama rally in Anchorage?

So I showed up at the Obama-DC office Friday after work. The main organizers are young, energetic, and nice. They are organized and it shows. DC is overwhelmingly Democratic, so the DC office is organizing and sending volunteers to Virginia and Pennsylvania. People were coming in and out the whole time I was there. I'm going to keep going back up through election day, just to make sure that wasn't a one-time fluke. I may even try to bring people with me to observe other parts of the organization.

Aftermath of the VP debate

Do not count me among those who expected Palin to deliver a performance like those she gave while being mercilessly interrogated by Katie Couric. No, I fully expected her to be prepped and ready to speak in complete sentences, with all the perkiness of a cheerleader. From that perspective, she totally nailed it. I'm pleased Tonya was able to land her triple axel toe loop salchow - while holding a baseball bat! Wow! Did you see that?

But if you were tuning in for substance, forget it. Biden provided it: he clearly knows what's going on in the big world outside of Wasilla. Palin did not. Her arrogant "I'm not going to answer the question" approach - you don't say that out loud! - was painfully obvious and repetitive. As was the word "also." Here's how I heard the debate:

Ifill: Talk about your stand on the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.
Biden: I agree with Barack Obama that we need to have a timetable to end the war in Iraq, and we need to commit more troops to Afghanistan - where Al Qaeda is still firmly entrenched and where Osama bin Laden is hiding.
Palin: I'm not going to answer also that question. I'd like instead to tell the American people about our energy policy. Drill, baby, drill!

Ifill: What do you think of Washington's response this week to the current financial crisis?
Biden: This is not a time for partisan politics. We must work together - Democrats and Republicans - to come up with a solution that is in the best interests of the American people.
Palin: Barack Obama is going to raise your taxes, Joe six-pack! I'm talkin' to you!! [wink] [nose scrunch] And as vice-president, I will expand my powers also even more than Dick Cheney did.

Ad nauseum.

Ifill, for her part, did nothing to give the conservatives any reason to gripe. I was annoyed, though, that Palin was frequently allowed to ramble on about a topic completely unrelated to the original question. She had her prepped answers and, by golly, she was gonna give 'em! The one she clearly hadn't prepped for was the one about the role of the VP. She agrees with Dick Cheney? Oh, dear. Well, I imagine that if she and Dicky ever go hunting, she won't be the one to end up with buckshot in her back.

VP Debate: Bring it!

I sent Tonya a text last night asking how her debate prep was going. Her response was that she's ready to hit one out of the park. That would give me more comfort had she not spent the afternoon at the batting cage. At this point, though, I just have to trust that she'll be ok.

McCain, on the other hand, is sweating bullets. He got testy when the editorial board of the Des Moines Register questioned Palin's qualifications. Personally, I think he should have been pleased with how that went. They didn't seem to challenge his more "stretching the bounds of reason" responses. But my favorite has to be his comment to NPR that he has consulted with Palin on foreign policy issues many times. Yeah, right. Only if by "consulted" he meant to say, "I grounded her for saying such inane things out loud. And I took away the keys to her campaign plane."

Question: Is it "gotcha" journalism if the same journalist asks candidates from both parties the same question? Yes, that's right. It's today's Katie Couric moment! You can get a good feel for the differences between Palin and Biden by reading the transcripts of Katie asking both candidates about Roe v. Wade and Supreme Court decisions they disagree with. But to fully appreciate the difference, you need to watch the clip. The long pause after Couric asks Palin about other decisions is a frightening look at how Palin operates: she doesn't have a sound-bite non-response at the ready, so she falls back on the old tried and true method of giving an evasive non-answer in an incoherent jumble of words.

I hope that Gwen Ifill asks some tough questions of the candidates. The McCain camp, of course, already have their excuses lined up. Whatever. They will only stir up those who are already going to vote for them and will risk alienating those who are undecided. I don't know why they don't come out and say exactly what they are thinking: Ifill can't be impartial because she's black. Go ahead. Say it. I dare you. I double-dog dare you. I promise I won't use it against you. Of course, I can't control the liberal media. But go ahead. Don't worry.

Katie Couric does it again

She manages to get Palin to say the wackiest things. Like, for example, the response Palin - who has a degree in journalism - gave when asked, repeatedly, to specifically say what newspapers or periodicals she reads regularly to stay current.

Palin: I've read most of them, again with a great appreciation for the press, for the media.
Couric: What, specifically?
Palin: Um, all of them, any of them that have been in front of me all these years.
Couric: Can you name a few?
Palin: I have a vast variety of source where we get our news. Alaska isn't a foreign country, where it's kind of suggested, 'wow, how could you keep in touch with what the rest of Washington, D.C., may be thinking when you live up there in Alaska?' Believe me, Alaska is like a microcosm of America.

She reads all of them? Just US periodicals, or anything in English? Maybe she could have scored some points by saying something like, "Well, you know, Katie, I watch the CBS Evening News as often as I can." At a minimum, she should have been able to name an Alaskan newspaper. Besides, looking at the pretty pictures isn't considered reading.

I tell ya, I'm getting a newfound appreciation for Katie Couric. The third time she had to ask Palin for her view on the "morning after" pill, she looks like she's beginning to get annoyed at constantly having to repeat her questions. Palin's voice alone would have me shoving pencils in my ears, but Couric is much too professional for that.

I wish, though, she had pressed Palin on her belief that humans and dinosaurs were on the earth at the same time. Here's how I envision that exchange:

Couric: When you were first elected mayor of Wasilla, you said that you believed humans and dinosaurs walked the earth at the same time. Do you still believe that?
Palin: Well, you know, the question was yelled from across a crowded room and it was hard to hear, so my response may have been taken out of context.
Couric: You used that excuse for the Pakistan question.
Palin: Gotcha! Ha-ha! But that's ok.
Couric: Again, to go back to my question, do you still believe that?
Palin: You know, I read and watch everything put in front of me. I recall seeing a documentary when I was a child about a man and his wife and baby, and they had a dinosaur for a pet.
Couric: You mean...The Flintstones?
Palin: That's not an official McCain-Palin official position.

On the whole, though, Palin came off much better in this interview, which scares the crap out of me. Not so much this election (I'm feeling good about Obama's chances - I can be a gracious loser at times). No, four years from now she could be running for president. The idea seems laughable now, but just remember that people laughed when Reagan ran in 1976. Do not, under any circumstances, underestimate this woman. I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I hope she gets indicted for her role in the troopergate scandal. I think it's going to take something like that to save us from having President Palin in our future.

"It's the economy, stupid."

In spite of McCain's highly sincere (snort) remark that now is not the time to affix blame (said right after blaming Obama and the Democrats), let's affix blame anyway. But before we do that, let's pay another visit to that hard-nosed reporter, Katie Couric.

Couric interviewed both McCain and Palin last night. Did you know that Palin's response to that question about Pakistan was a "gotcha" moment? And that the question was shouted at her from across the room, so how could she really hear it? I give Couric credit for pointing out that it was not a reporter asking the question and that Palin's answer was pretty specific, so how could it be a gotcha moment? Anyway, you should watch the clip just to see McCain squirm in his chair whenever Palin speaks. Palin, for her part, looks like a 16-year-old who desperately wants to impress daddy by showing what an adult she is. Creepy.

Back to the finger-pointing. So the House was unable to pass the bailout bill in order to avert a collapse of the financial markets. On the surface, it appears the Democratic leadership delivered the votes needed to pass the bill; the Republican leadership did not. And they failed in a spectacular fashion - 2/3 of the House Republicans voted against the bill. Even though they initially blamed Pelosi for that, they have backed off, apparently realizing how childish that sounded. That said, right before the vote may not have been the best time for Pelosi to blame Bush and the Republicans for the current mess. However, that's no excuse for not doing the right thing. Didn't somebody famous once say, "Country first"?

Speaking of which...McCain rode into town last week on his high horse, promising to save the day. He had to be here in person - not "phone it in" - so, when he finally arrived in town, he of course spent all his time on the Hill, working the crowd, right? Or maybe he instead went to his campaign headquarters in Arlington and made phone calls, then went out for an expensive dinner. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt here. Perhaps his campaign is in dire financial straits and he didn't want to spend the money on long distance calls. Maybe he saved enough money to cover the tip at dinner.

Would the bill have passed if he hadn't stuck his nose in and stirred things up? Unfortunately, we'll never know. But he clearly didn't achieve what he wanted to achieve, or claimed he had achieved when he took credit for the bipartisan agreement only hours before it failed to pass. I think it's fair to say that he didn't help the situation. And a real leader would have accepted at least some responsibility for the bill's failure.

Veep

Hoo-boy. I was reading the Wikipedia entry for my running mate, Tonya Harding. Did you know she's had several run-ins with the law since the infamous Kerrigan incident? I had no idea. Boy, do I wish I'd read this before I asked her to be my VP. I was just following McCain's lead in making my selection. Vetting? Pfft. We don't need to do no stinkin' vetting. She's a maverick!

I'm just thankful she didn't have an interview with that hard-nosed reporter Katie Couric last week. Did Couric rip Palin to shreds, or what? That was merciless. Couric's gentle, understanding, non-threatening manner clearly unnerved Palin and backed her into a corner she felt she could get out of only by spewing unrelated buzz words and talking points. I think it's fair to say that a future hurdle all VP candidates will have to cross is surviving an interview with Couric.

Anyway, I'm in a quandary. My friend Robin has volunteered to take over being my VP choice. I had tapped her for head of Homeland Security, but she made a strong argument in her favor. She lives in Minnesota which, as you may not know, borders Canada. Planes often fly directly from Canada into Minnesota airspace. My guess is she can even look out her window and see planes flying overhead.

Until this crisis is resolved, I'm suspending my campaign and heading back to Washington. Oh, wait. I'm already in Washington. Well, I'll cross into Maryland and take my sweet time (at least 22 hours) coming back.

Debate: I think I won

Let's look at how the candidates did.

Barack "I do so understand!" Obama

Came across as very knowledgeable and capable. Kind of like a Commander-in-Chief. Not the one we currently have, of course. The kind we'd like to have. Considering foreign policy is supposed to be his weak area, he handled himself quite nicely, I must say. When he went into that "You were wrong" riff, I was pumping my fist and shouting, Go Barack! Jim Lehrer had to tell me to be quiet. Oops! You probably didn't catch this either, but I'm the one who fed him the Spain line. He also did a great job of making eye contact and addressing McCain.

John "Miss Congeniality" McCain

Do you think Palin gave him that "Miss Congeniality" line? It has beauty pageant written all over it and, god knows, McCain would never in a bajillion years be allowed in a beauty pageant as a contestant and certainly not as a judge. Did you see that leer he gave when he mentioned his maverick partner? Ew. It had dirty-old-man written all over it. The worst part about his performance, though, had to be his condescending attitude toward Obama. Couldn't even look at him! What was that about? Is it because Obama is a damn good looking man? Oh, and did you see the clip on YouTube where McCain is saying "horseshit" TWICE?

Monkey

I thought I showed tremendous poise, considering no questions or barbs were directed at me. Other than Lehrer telling me to be quiet when I was rooting on Barack, I don't think I did any damage to my campaign. I did get some nice doodles in, and I stole the pen from my lecturn.

Sports metaphors

Comparing McCain's latest shenanigans with a hail mary pass is too obvious. [Aside: Pardon my language, but is he a fucking dumbass, or what? Who on earth would vote for this goofball? There's no question Congress would have had a deal on the bailout by now if he hadn't stuck his skin-cancered nose in the muck. And for what purpose? He didn't do anything except grin like an idiot then mess it all up at the end when nearly everyone else was in agreement. Why? Is he that afraid of the debate?]

Tonya wanted to do an analogy with figure skating, but I think it's too obscure. I'm not sure what an axel is vs. a toe loop, or whatever those various leaps are. They all look the same to me.

So, instead, I'm going to use basketball. Think of the presidential campaign as Team Obama vs. Team McCain, with the press as referees.

Team Obama
The brash, brilliant young star (Obama) joins the team and immediately assumes a leadership position. Since he is inexperienced in some areas, a cagey veteran (Biden) is brought on to shore up the young guy. The team isn't expected to do well against the more experienced conference opponent (Clinton), but Team Obama puts an excellent coaching staff and a good mix of players on the floor. The game plan, for the most part, is perfect.

Once Team Obama wins the conference championship (Democratic nomination), they go up against Team McCain. There are a few hiccups in Team Obama's performance (letting McCain-Palin smears go unchallenged), especially due to dirty play on the part of the opponent (constant lying), but they regroup and come back aggressively. This aggressive approach results in some offensive fouls (questionable claims about McCain's stands), but overall is working to Team Obama's benefit.

Team McCain
This team is built around a veteran who is past his prime (think Michael Jordan with the Wizards). Privately, even his biggest fans think he should have retired a few years ago (fellow Republicans thinking he's too much of a hot-head to be president). But he ignores them because he knows best (because he's a hot-head). He realizes that he needs to bring in some young blood (Palin) if his team is going to go the distance. Alas, after the finals rosters have been turned in, he realizes his backup just isn't very good (think Michael Jordan selecting Kwame Brown; obvious lack of vetting VP options).

So he and his team, most of which are in serious foul trouble due to questionable tactics (lies, etc.), have to play zone defense in a desperate attempt to keep the bench players (Palin) from having to make an appearance and expose her lack of skills. This leaves plenty of holes for Team Obama to take advantage of, which they do. Team McCain whine incessantly to the referees (press) over every call. This works initially (press backing off Palin), but eventually the team gets a technical (threaten to not cover Palin's foreign policy crash course).

In spite of these efforts, the team star (McCain) is getting tired because, frankly, he's old. He tries to call a time-out ("suspending" his campaign; call to postpone debate). Unfortunately, his team is out of time-outs, so another technical is assessed (editorials questioning his tactics).

Referees
While fans of both teams complain that the other team is getting the benefit of the calls, the referees (press) are actually bending over backwards to be impartial. This is due mainly to their lack of action over the Tim Donaghy betting scandal (not questioning the Iraq war buildup). Even so, they are human and have some downfalls (balking at pushing too hard on Palin), but quickly get back on track (ignore the McCain campaign's complaints about the "liberal media").


So there you have it. I hope that on November 5th I can use another sports metaphor: Team Obama routs Team McCain.

"Can't talk now...must solve economic crisis," McCain says to the reporter.

"DON'T DISTRACT ME! I'm trying to focus. I canNOT do more than one thing at a time. Only I, and I alone, can solve this crisis. Why? Because I'm such a leader. A leader, my friends, who brings both sides of the aisle together. Yes, both Republicans and those liberal-elite-smarty-pants-Democrats. I don't understand finance and economics, and I barely graduated from the naval academy, but I can certainly solve any crisis involving finance and/or economics. Yessireebob.

"I am SO committed to solving this economic crisis that I am suspending my campaign and call upon my uppity opponent, Senator Obama, to agree to delay Friday's debate, for which I am more than ready, by golly. Of course, my surrogates will continue to trash Senator Obama by spreading lies to anyone who will listen. Those surrogates who aren't busy running the state of Alaska, that is.

"Regrettably, my friends, my highly qualified VP candidate cannot join me on Capitol Hill to resolve this financial crisis because she is working diligently to create world peace by meeting with foreign leaders and discussing names of their children in order to give her daughter, Bristol, some suggestions. She can't take any questions from the media either, because she's so busy. In fact, her debate with Senator Biden should also be delayed. Because of this terrible economic crisis, not because she isn't ready. Because she's ready, my friends. Honest. Would I lie?

"So...hey! Where are you going? I'm not finished taking credit for hammering out a deal that would have been made a lot faster had I not stuck in my big, fat, skin-cancered nose. What about my photo op? COME BACK HERE WITH THAT CAMERA RIGHT THIS INSTANT! Hey! Did you know I was a POW?"

Separated at birth?

Photos from my fundraiser

Just to mix things up, my fundraiser was a costume party. Here are some photos.

First, John McCain came as Richard Nixon (maybe he couldn't bring himself to do the victory sign?). It was nice of John to come, considering I haven't been very nice to him. On the other hand, I think he took some money out of the basket that was being passed around.

Sarah Palin also showed up, with baby Trig in tow. At least, I think that was Trig in there. I was surprised to see her because she wasn't invited. (Hillary was not happy and threatened to leave until Michelle Obama "accidentally" spilled cranberry juice on Sarah.) I was not surprised, however, that Palin didn't talk to any reporters.

I'm not exactly sure what her costume is. Someone (Bill?) said he thought Palin was supposed to be a politician pandering to Hillary's supporters. "But what's her costume?," I wittily replied. In any event, since she wasn't invited, I think she should have to reimburse me for the bag of Cheetos she downed in about two seconds.

Invading Canada

The invasion of Canada is not going well. Tonya has enlisted the assistance of a bunch of sock mercenaries. Everybody knows that sock critters have no muscle tone so tend to shoot themselves in the foot. I'm going to let Tonya and the socks go off and do whatever they are planning to do. Me? I'm going to tour Vancouver. In case you didn't know, The X-Files tv show was filmed there. Maybe if I go to Skyland Mountain, I'll get abducted by aliens. Because being abducted by aliens and subjected to alien experiments is the only way to get through this political season.

Can I say that I'm disappointed that Barack Obama is lying almost as much as McCain? Why is he doing that? He doesn't need to! McCain, all by himself, will provide enough rope for hanging. Just keep his gaffes in the spotlight. Like, for example, his campaign's whining over the NY Times article about McCain's campaign manager earning $2M from Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae. Interestingly, McCain's camp doesn't deny it - they just complain about it having been reported by what they consider a liberal paper with no journalistic standards. Yes, folks, they are talking about the New York Times. Perhaps if McCain or Palin held a news conference, they'd be presented in a better light.

Nicknames

A rather pointless article on the front page of today's Washington Post about Todd "First Dude" Palin got me thinking about nicknames. Let's take a look at some from the Republican side of the aisle.

The "Great Communicator"
How? Why? So Reagan could READ from a SCRIPT. How does that make him a communicator, let alone a great one? He wasn't even a good actor. Here's the definition of communicator: "to transmit or reveal a feeling or thought by speech, writing, or gesture so that it is clearly understood [emphasis added]." Uh, no.

"Maverick"
Let's again turn to the dictionary: "an unbranded animal, especially a calf that has become separated from its mother and herd." Ok, I'm cherry-picking a bit. That's the second definition. Here's the first: "an independent thinker who refuses to conform to the accepted views on a subject." Need I remind you that McCain has voted with Bush 90% of the time? Oooo. Way to take a stand. Or maybe he's thinking of the tv series? I'm sure he remembers it well - it aired from 1957 to 1962.

"First Dude"
No wonder Bristol got pregnant. Can you imagine being a teenager and having a father who referred to himself as First Dude? Rebel! Rebel! (By the way, he says Bristol is "not high-maintenance.") Anyway, the point of the pointless article apparently was to show that Todd has been integrally involved in governing Alaska. (Another aside: With the name Todd, shouldn't he be gay?) Seems relatively harmless, but then I got to thinking about what could happen if McCain-Palin win.

[phone rings]
Putin: Prime Minister Putin.

Todd: Dude! Wassup?

Putin: (sighing) For the last time, Mr. Palin, it's Prime Minister Putin. If you refer to me as dude one more time, I will remove Alaska from the face of the earth.

Todd: Ok, ok. Chill.

Putin: What do you want?

Todd: Sarah asked me to give you a call. She's busy with the breast pump...

Putin: Really, Mr. Palin, I don't need to know that.

Todd: That's cool. Anyway, Sarah asked me call you. Bristol's fiance (chuckle) called this morning to say that he looked across the water and saw a bunch of tanks. What's the deal?

Putin: The tanks are there to provide ground protection for the fighter jets.

Todd: To do what for the what now?

Putin: President McCain? Is that you?

Todd: No, no. Still me. Sorry - the old guy kinda rubs off on ya after awhile. So what's the deal here?

Putin: We're...um...we're going wolf hunting.

Todd: Awesome! Can I join you?

It's proclamation Sunday!

As I was cleaning my bicycle yesterday afternoon, chipping globs of grease off the chain (I really ought to clean it more often), I was trying to think of ways to kick-start my campaign. Sure, the recent endorsements help, but gotta maintain that momentum. So I thought maybe some proclamations might do the trick.

1. From this point forward, athletic activities called "routines" and requiring musical accompaniment will no longer be Olympic events. Softball will be immediately reinstated.
2. In political campaigns, lies will be called lies - not stretching the truth, twisting the facts, exaggerating an opponent's position, etc. - and those who say them will be called liars (that means you, John "Lyin' Liar" McCain).
3. Drivers will be respectful and deferential toward bicyclists. Bicyclists will be required to wear a "Bicycle commuters for Obama" t-shirt at all times.
4. World leaders will be expelled from office if photographed wearing a sweater. If said sweater is a sweater vest, the leader will be executed.
5. The University of Maryland women's basketball team will win the ACC (regular season and tournament) and make it to the Final Four. Go Terps!
6. Politicians who wish to dictate how you will live without practicing it themselves will be disqualified (e.g., spouting abstinence only, while teenage daughter gets pregnant). Assuming said politician was even qualified to be PTA president.

Tomorrow, Tonya and I will be invading Canada. Even though John "Lyin' Liar" McCain will try to tell you it's a stunt to get attention, don't listen to him because he's a liar who will say anything to win this campaign - even go so far as to say Obama is the one who will say anything to win this campaign. Ok, I'll admit that even Barack Obama has said things that could meet the definition of lies. But, as someone in Obama's camp said, don't succumb to the "symmetry of sin." Here's an excellent example of that: Clinton lies about sex with an intern. Bush lies about WMD in Iraq. Equal? Hardly.

Back to invading Canada: We have it on good authority that an "O. bin Laden" opened a checking account at a Scotia Bank branch in Maple Ridge, BC. In return, he got a toaster. So we're going to hunt him down. Tonya is in Canada now, renting a helicopter and securing some hunting rifles.

My first endorsement!

I'm beginning to garner the support of the sock monkey community. Stan, the playboy sock monkey, and sock Satan have thrown their full support behind my campaign. I'm sure that others in the sock community will soon follow suit.

But, you know, it takes more than a few endorsements to win an election. It takes money. While McCain spouts lies about Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae (aren't those two of the Bobbsey Twins?) giving heaps of financial support to Obama, the truth is that McCain has received more contributions from the directors, officers and lobbyists for Mac and Mae. Honestly, if McCain would just use the internet, maybe he wouldn't get caught in so many lies.

Did you know he was a POW?

But let's get back to the ISSUES. I think we can all agree that the economy is in big, huge, honkin' trouble. We can also agree that health care is an important issue. So what does McCain think? He thinks health care should be deregulated just like the banking industry. This was reported in an actuarial magazine, so you know it's true.

In an earlier post, I said that it seems like McCain is exhibiting some of the symptoms of dementia. Here are the symptoms, according to WebMD, and how McCain stacks up:

• Having difficulty recalling recent events. [Check-can't remember from day-to-day where he stands on issues]
• Not recognizing familiar people and places. [Check-president and location of Spain]
• Having trouble finding the right words to express thoughts or name objects. [Check-every time he speaks]
• Having difficulty performing calculations. [Check-how many houses?]
• Having problems planning and carrying out tasks, such as balancing a checkbook, following a recipe, or writing a letter. [Check-campaign is floundering big time]
• Having trouble exercising judgment, such as knowing what to do in an emergency. [Check-Palin as VP, lies lies lies, and many others]
• Having difficulty controlling moods or behaviors. Depression is common, and agitation or aggression may occur. [Check-he recently was testy with some reports and accused one of taking a cheap shot]
• Not keeping up personal care such as grooming or bathing. [Check-he can't comb his own hair]

Ok, that last one isn't fair. But the others speak for themselves.

P.S. Thanks to Mark and Jenn for the Freddie Mac and healthcare info!

"What about me what?"

I'm exhausted. I've been studying very hard for next week's debate. Although, I haven't heard yet where I'm supposed to go or whether my rider has been approved (two cases of caffeine free diet coke; french fries w/ketchup; one pint of Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie ice cream).

Unlike my opponents, I don't have a slew of experts briefing me on the intricacies of foreign policy and economic reform. All I have is Google and Wikipedia. Too bad John McCain doesn't use the internet (did you know he was a POW?) because he could have quickly learned two things:

1. Spain is in Europe.
2. The president can't fire the head of the SEC.

You'd think that, knowing he was going to be interviewed by Spanish media, he'd be prepared. I especially like this little exchange:

INTERVIEWER: OK, what about Europe? I'm talking about the president of Spain.
McCAIN: What about me what?

I'll end with this little ditty: McCain on Spain sounds plainly insane.

Home Rule? Pfft.

I live in Washington, DC. In case you don't know, it is a real city with real people who live here (full-time, not just for 2, 4, or 6 years). The city is much more than the federal government. A couple of other fascinating factoids: More people live in DC than in Wyoming; the majority of residents are African-American.

I hope you all know that DC does not have Congressional representation. It took an amendment to the Constitution to give DC residents the right to vote for the president, fer cryin' out loud. Even though the city has had home rule since the mid-1970s, Congress has the final say.

Back in 1976, DC banned handguns. (Go here for a chronology of the gun ban.) Ever since, the House of Representatives has tried to overturn that law. Earlier this year, the Supreme Court finally did. [Note that this decision came soon after the one that gave a few rights to those being held at Guantanamo. The dissenting opinion in that case said that the majority's decision would result in more Americans being killed. Umm...you know, I don't have the statistics on the number of Americans killed last year in terrorist acts vs. the number killed by guns, but I'm guessing the latter is much larger than the former. I guess it's different if Americans kill Americans?]

The city has been trying to preserve as much of the prior law as possible, while still complying with the Court's decision. Apparently, that's not enough for the House, which yesterday passed legislation making it easier for residents to own guns. Gee, I guess we should just be happy they dropped the provision to allow people to carry semi-automatic weapons on the street. But it does put some limits on the city's authority to register weapons. You know it's an election year when Congress starts meddling in DC affairs in order to score points back home by doing things they would NEVER do to their own constituents. Never mind the underlying racism at play, given the city's population.

So next time you visit DC, bring your gun and your kevlar vest.

Look out, Canada. Here we come! Maybe.

Our neighbor to the north (east, if you're in Alaska) has been begging me - begging me! - to invade them. Apparently, their Prime Minister, whom they refer to as Steve in a Blue Sweater, is a lot like Bush. We feel your pain, eh?

I have to say, the idea is quite appealing to me. The one thing that gives me pause is Quebec. The French-speaking province. Where they speak "that language." Did I ever tell you about the time the French tried to kill me? Ok, it was the French-French, not Canadian-French. Still.

So I'm going to throw this one out to my reader(s). A two part question:

1) Should we invade Canada?

2) If so, include Quebec?

In case the vote is to invade, Tonya right now is in upper Montana writing up an invasion plan on a cocktail napkin, pick-up truck all gassed up and ready to cross the border in a moment's notice. Or as soon as she sobers up, whichever comes first.

Oh, my. Where to begin?

Yesterday was not a good day if your name is John McCain. For some reason, that has me doing a happy dance while snickering gleefully.

I'll cut him a bit of slack, though. It is sometimes hard to focus on the issues; even more difficult when you and your campaign are doing all sorts of boneheaded things:

• McCain got a wee bit snippy with some news folks
• Carly Fiorina thinks running Hewlett-Packard is harder than running the whole freakin' country (maybe because she got fired?)
• McCain was against regulation until he was for it
• McCain thinks this week's Wall Street debacle is on par with 9/11
• McCain went on a name-calling tirade against his biggest contributors
• McCain invented the Blackberry (snort)
• McCain is just not that good looking, especially compared to Obama
• Sarah Palin (do I really need to provide a link?)

But I can talk issues. Here's today's issue: deregulation. Not always in the public's best interest. Give 'em an inch, and they'll take a mile. Or, put another way, give them enough rope and they'll hang themselves. (See: AIG, et al)

Tonya strongly believes that regulation of the US Figure Skating Association (USFSA) is desperately needed. She emphasizes that her lifetime ban in no way influences her stance on this very important subject.

Update: The McCain lie counter is up to 55. Expect that number to go up dramatically over the next few days as McCain tries to talk issues.

P.S. Thanks to Mark for the "against regulation" link!

Oh, no! Issues!

If you saw McCain try to speak about the economy yesterday, you can clearly see why he doesn't want to talk issues. What is it about Republicans? Why are they unable to speak in complete sentences, let alone make any sense? Have you read the transcript from the Palin-Gibson interview? Most of her answers had me scratching my head and saying, "Whaaah?" It must be some sort of ultra-right-wing-wacko-conservative code because it makes no sense to me.

Getting back to McCain...he has all the charisma of a dust mote. The look on his face as he is reading his script about the "sound" economy did not match his droning words. His expression is practically screaming, "My wife handles the finances! She's the one with money, not me! We have a pre-nup that keeps my POW-scarred hands from touching her buttloads of money! Did you know I was a POW?" Then he really loses it: "Lipstick on pigs! Lipstick on pigs! Bridge to nowhere! Troopergate! Lies! Whiners! Karl Rove! OBAMA IS BLACK!" As sweat pours down his face, "Can't...talk...substance... Must...smear...somebody..."

Well, that's what I saw, anyway.