"It's the economy, stupid."

In spite of McCain's highly sincere (snort) remark that now is not the time to affix blame (said right after blaming Obama and the Democrats), let's affix blame anyway. But before we do that, let's pay another visit to that hard-nosed reporter, Katie Couric.

Couric interviewed both McCain and Palin last night. Did you know that Palin's response to that question about Pakistan was a "gotcha" moment? And that the question was shouted at her from across the room, so how could she really hear it? I give Couric credit for pointing out that it was not a reporter asking the question and that Palin's answer was pretty specific, so how could it be a gotcha moment? Anyway, you should watch the clip just to see McCain squirm in his chair whenever Palin speaks. Palin, for her part, looks like a 16-year-old who desperately wants to impress daddy by showing what an adult she is. Creepy.

Back to the finger-pointing. So the House was unable to pass the bailout bill in order to avert a collapse of the financial markets. On the surface, it appears the Democratic leadership delivered the votes needed to pass the bill; the Republican leadership did not. And they failed in a spectacular fashion - 2/3 of the House Republicans voted against the bill. Even though they initially blamed Pelosi for that, they have backed off, apparently realizing how childish that sounded. That said, right before the vote may not have been the best time for Pelosi to blame Bush and the Republicans for the current mess. However, that's no excuse for not doing the right thing. Didn't somebody famous once say, "Country first"?

Speaking of which...McCain rode into town last week on his high horse, promising to save the day. He had to be here in person - not "phone it in" - so, when he finally arrived in town, he of course spent all his time on the Hill, working the crowd, right? Or maybe he instead went to his campaign headquarters in Arlington and made phone calls, then went out for an expensive dinner. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt here. Perhaps his campaign is in dire financial straits and he didn't want to spend the money on long distance calls. Maybe he saved enough money to cover the tip at dinner.

Would the bill have passed if he hadn't stuck his nose in and stirred things up? Unfortunately, we'll never know. But he clearly didn't achieve what he wanted to achieve, or claimed he had achieved when he took credit for the bipartisan agreement only hours before it failed to pass. I think it's fair to say that he didn't help the situation. And a real leader would have accepted at least some responsibility for the bill's failure.

Veep

Hoo-boy. I was reading the Wikipedia entry for my running mate, Tonya Harding. Did you know she's had several run-ins with the law since the infamous Kerrigan incident? I had no idea. Boy, do I wish I'd read this before I asked her to be my VP. I was just following McCain's lead in making my selection. Vetting? Pfft. We don't need to do no stinkin' vetting. She's a maverick!

I'm just thankful she didn't have an interview with that hard-nosed reporter Katie Couric last week. Did Couric rip Palin to shreds, or what? That was merciless. Couric's gentle, understanding, non-threatening manner clearly unnerved Palin and backed her into a corner she felt she could get out of only by spewing unrelated buzz words and talking points. I think it's fair to say that a future hurdle all VP candidates will have to cross is surviving an interview with Couric.

Anyway, I'm in a quandary. My friend Robin has volunteered to take over being my VP choice. I had tapped her for head of Homeland Security, but she made a strong argument in her favor. She lives in Minnesota which, as you may not know, borders Canada. Planes often fly directly from Canada into Minnesota airspace. My guess is she can even look out her window and see planes flying overhead.

Until this crisis is resolved, I'm suspending my campaign and heading back to Washington. Oh, wait. I'm already in Washington. Well, I'll cross into Maryland and take my sweet time (at least 22 hours) coming back.

Debate: I think I won

Let's look at how the candidates did.

Barack "I do so understand!" Obama

Came across as very knowledgeable and capable. Kind of like a Commander-in-Chief. Not the one we currently have, of course. The kind we'd like to have. Considering foreign policy is supposed to be his weak area, he handled himself quite nicely, I must say. When he went into that "You were wrong" riff, I was pumping my fist and shouting, Go Barack! Jim Lehrer had to tell me to be quiet. Oops! You probably didn't catch this either, but I'm the one who fed him the Spain line. He also did a great job of making eye contact and addressing McCain.

John "Miss Congeniality" McCain

Do you think Palin gave him that "Miss Congeniality" line? It has beauty pageant written all over it and, god knows, McCain would never in a bajillion years be allowed in a beauty pageant as a contestant and certainly not as a judge. Did you see that leer he gave when he mentioned his maverick partner? Ew. It had dirty-old-man written all over it. The worst part about his performance, though, had to be his condescending attitude toward Obama. Couldn't even look at him! What was that about? Is it because Obama is a damn good looking man? Oh, and did you see the clip on YouTube where McCain is saying "horseshit" TWICE?

Monkey

I thought I showed tremendous poise, considering no questions or barbs were directed at me. Other than Lehrer telling me to be quiet when I was rooting on Barack, I don't think I did any damage to my campaign. I did get some nice doodles in, and I stole the pen from my lecturn.

Sports metaphors

Comparing McCain's latest shenanigans with a hail mary pass is too obvious. [Aside: Pardon my language, but is he a fucking dumbass, or what? Who on earth would vote for this goofball? There's no question Congress would have had a deal on the bailout by now if he hadn't stuck his skin-cancered nose in the muck. And for what purpose? He didn't do anything except grin like an idiot then mess it all up at the end when nearly everyone else was in agreement. Why? Is he that afraid of the debate?]

Tonya wanted to do an analogy with figure skating, but I think it's too obscure. I'm not sure what an axel is vs. a toe loop, or whatever those various leaps are. They all look the same to me.

So, instead, I'm going to use basketball. Think of the presidential campaign as Team Obama vs. Team McCain, with the press as referees.

Team Obama
The brash, brilliant young star (Obama) joins the team and immediately assumes a leadership position. Since he is inexperienced in some areas, a cagey veteran (Biden) is brought on to shore up the young guy. The team isn't expected to do well against the more experienced conference opponent (Clinton), but Team Obama puts an excellent coaching staff and a good mix of players on the floor. The game plan, for the most part, is perfect.

Once Team Obama wins the conference championship (Democratic nomination), they go up against Team McCain. There are a few hiccups in Team Obama's performance (letting McCain-Palin smears go unchallenged), especially due to dirty play on the part of the opponent (constant lying), but they regroup and come back aggressively. This aggressive approach results in some offensive fouls (questionable claims about McCain's stands), but overall is working to Team Obama's benefit.

Team McCain
This team is built around a veteran who is past his prime (think Michael Jordan with the Wizards). Privately, even his biggest fans think he should have retired a few years ago (fellow Republicans thinking he's too much of a hot-head to be president). But he ignores them because he knows best (because he's a hot-head). He realizes that he needs to bring in some young blood (Palin) if his team is going to go the distance. Alas, after the finals rosters have been turned in, he realizes his backup just isn't very good (think Michael Jordan selecting Kwame Brown; obvious lack of vetting VP options).

So he and his team, most of which are in serious foul trouble due to questionable tactics (lies, etc.), have to play zone defense in a desperate attempt to keep the bench players (Palin) from having to make an appearance and expose her lack of skills. This leaves plenty of holes for Team Obama to take advantage of, which they do. Team McCain whine incessantly to the referees (press) over every call. This works initially (press backing off Palin), but eventually the team gets a technical (threaten to not cover Palin's foreign policy crash course).

In spite of these efforts, the team star (McCain) is getting tired because, frankly, he's old. He tries to call a time-out ("suspending" his campaign; call to postpone debate). Unfortunately, his team is out of time-outs, so another technical is assessed (editorials questioning his tactics).

Referees
While fans of both teams complain that the other team is getting the benefit of the calls, the referees (press) are actually bending over backwards to be impartial. This is due mainly to their lack of action over the Tim Donaghy betting scandal (not questioning the Iraq war buildup). Even so, they are human and have some downfalls (balking at pushing too hard on Palin), but quickly get back on track (ignore the McCain campaign's complaints about the "liberal media").


So there you have it. I hope that on November 5th I can use another sports metaphor: Team Obama routs Team McCain.

"Can't talk now...must solve economic crisis," McCain says to the reporter.

"DON'T DISTRACT ME! I'm trying to focus. I canNOT do more than one thing at a time. Only I, and I alone, can solve this crisis. Why? Because I'm such a leader. A leader, my friends, who brings both sides of the aisle together. Yes, both Republicans and those liberal-elite-smarty-pants-Democrats. I don't understand finance and economics, and I barely graduated from the naval academy, but I can certainly solve any crisis involving finance and/or economics. Yessireebob.

"I am SO committed to solving this economic crisis that I am suspending my campaign and call upon my uppity opponent, Senator Obama, to agree to delay Friday's debate, for which I am more than ready, by golly. Of course, my surrogates will continue to trash Senator Obama by spreading lies to anyone who will listen. Those surrogates who aren't busy running the state of Alaska, that is.

"Regrettably, my friends, my highly qualified VP candidate cannot join me on Capitol Hill to resolve this financial crisis because she is working diligently to create world peace by meeting with foreign leaders and discussing names of their children in order to give her daughter, Bristol, some suggestions. She can't take any questions from the media either, because she's so busy. In fact, her debate with Senator Biden should also be delayed. Because of this terrible economic crisis, not because she isn't ready. Because she's ready, my friends. Honest. Would I lie?

"So...hey! Where are you going? I'm not finished taking credit for hammering out a deal that would have been made a lot faster had I not stuck in my big, fat, skin-cancered nose. What about my photo op? COME BACK HERE WITH THAT CAMERA RIGHT THIS INSTANT! Hey! Did you know I was a POW?"

Separated at birth?

Photos from my fundraiser

Just to mix things up, my fundraiser was a costume party. Here are some photos.

First, John McCain came as Richard Nixon (maybe he couldn't bring himself to do the victory sign?). It was nice of John to come, considering I haven't been very nice to him. On the other hand, I think he took some money out of the basket that was being passed around.

Sarah Palin also showed up, with baby Trig in tow. At least, I think that was Trig in there. I was surprised to see her because she wasn't invited. (Hillary was not happy and threatened to leave until Michelle Obama "accidentally" spilled cranberry juice on Sarah.) I was not surprised, however, that Palin didn't talk to any reporters.

I'm not exactly sure what her costume is. Someone (Bill?) said he thought Palin was supposed to be a politician pandering to Hillary's supporters. "But what's her costume?," I wittily replied. In any event, since she wasn't invited, I think she should have to reimburse me for the bag of Cheetos she downed in about two seconds.

Invading Canada

The invasion of Canada is not going well. Tonya has enlisted the assistance of a bunch of sock mercenaries. Everybody knows that sock critters have no muscle tone so tend to shoot themselves in the foot. I'm going to let Tonya and the socks go off and do whatever they are planning to do. Me? I'm going to tour Vancouver. In case you didn't know, The X-Files tv show was filmed there. Maybe if I go to Skyland Mountain, I'll get abducted by aliens. Because being abducted by aliens and subjected to alien experiments is the only way to get through this political season.

Can I say that I'm disappointed that Barack Obama is lying almost as much as McCain? Why is he doing that? He doesn't need to! McCain, all by himself, will provide enough rope for hanging. Just keep his gaffes in the spotlight. Like, for example, his campaign's whining over the NY Times article about McCain's campaign manager earning $2M from Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae. Interestingly, McCain's camp doesn't deny it - they just complain about it having been reported by what they consider a liberal paper with no journalistic standards. Yes, folks, they are talking about the New York Times. Perhaps if McCain or Palin held a news conference, they'd be presented in a better light.

Nicknames

A rather pointless article on the front page of today's Washington Post about Todd "First Dude" Palin got me thinking about nicknames. Let's take a look at some from the Republican side of the aisle.

The "Great Communicator"
How? Why? So Reagan could READ from a SCRIPT. How does that make him a communicator, let alone a great one? He wasn't even a good actor. Here's the definition of communicator: "to transmit or reveal a feeling or thought by speech, writing, or gesture so that it is clearly understood [emphasis added]." Uh, no.

"Maverick"
Let's again turn to the dictionary: "an unbranded animal, especially a calf that has become separated from its mother and herd." Ok, I'm cherry-picking a bit. That's the second definition. Here's the first: "an independent thinker who refuses to conform to the accepted views on a subject." Need I remind you that McCain has voted with Bush 90% of the time? Oooo. Way to take a stand. Or maybe he's thinking of the tv series? I'm sure he remembers it well - it aired from 1957 to 1962.

"First Dude"
No wonder Bristol got pregnant. Can you imagine being a teenager and having a father who referred to himself as First Dude? Rebel! Rebel! (By the way, he says Bristol is "not high-maintenance.") Anyway, the point of the pointless article apparently was to show that Todd has been integrally involved in governing Alaska. (Another aside: With the name Todd, shouldn't he be gay?) Seems relatively harmless, but then I got to thinking about what could happen if McCain-Palin win.

[phone rings]
Putin: Prime Minister Putin.

Todd: Dude! Wassup?

Putin: (sighing) For the last time, Mr. Palin, it's Prime Minister Putin. If you refer to me as dude one more time, I will remove Alaska from the face of the earth.

Todd: Ok, ok. Chill.

Putin: What do you want?

Todd: Sarah asked me to give you a call. She's busy with the breast pump...

Putin: Really, Mr. Palin, I don't need to know that.

Todd: That's cool. Anyway, Sarah asked me call you. Bristol's fiance (chuckle) called this morning to say that he looked across the water and saw a bunch of tanks. What's the deal?

Putin: The tanks are there to provide ground protection for the fighter jets.

Todd: To do what for the what now?

Putin: President McCain? Is that you?

Todd: No, no. Still me. Sorry - the old guy kinda rubs off on ya after awhile. So what's the deal here?

Putin: We're...um...we're going wolf hunting.

Todd: Awesome! Can I join you?

It's proclamation Sunday!

As I was cleaning my bicycle yesterday afternoon, chipping globs of grease off the chain (I really ought to clean it more often), I was trying to think of ways to kick-start my campaign. Sure, the recent endorsements help, but gotta maintain that momentum. So I thought maybe some proclamations might do the trick.

1. From this point forward, athletic activities called "routines" and requiring musical accompaniment will no longer be Olympic events. Softball will be immediately reinstated.
2. In political campaigns, lies will be called lies - not stretching the truth, twisting the facts, exaggerating an opponent's position, etc. - and those who say them will be called liars (that means you, John "Lyin' Liar" McCain).
3. Drivers will be respectful and deferential toward bicyclists. Bicyclists will be required to wear a "Bicycle commuters for Obama" t-shirt at all times.
4. World leaders will be expelled from office if photographed wearing a sweater. If said sweater is a sweater vest, the leader will be executed.
5. The University of Maryland women's basketball team will win the ACC (regular season and tournament) and make it to the Final Four. Go Terps!
6. Politicians who wish to dictate how you will live without practicing it themselves will be disqualified (e.g., spouting abstinence only, while teenage daughter gets pregnant). Assuming said politician was even qualified to be PTA president.

Tomorrow, Tonya and I will be invading Canada. Even though John "Lyin' Liar" McCain will try to tell you it's a stunt to get attention, don't listen to him because he's a liar who will say anything to win this campaign - even go so far as to say Obama is the one who will say anything to win this campaign. Ok, I'll admit that even Barack Obama has said things that could meet the definition of lies. But, as someone in Obama's camp said, don't succumb to the "symmetry of sin." Here's an excellent example of that: Clinton lies about sex with an intern. Bush lies about WMD in Iraq. Equal? Hardly.

Back to invading Canada: We have it on good authority that an "O. bin Laden" opened a checking account at a Scotia Bank branch in Maple Ridge, BC. In return, he got a toaster. So we're going to hunt him down. Tonya is in Canada now, renting a helicopter and securing some hunting rifles.

My first endorsement!

I'm beginning to garner the support of the sock monkey community. Stan, the playboy sock monkey, and sock Satan have thrown their full support behind my campaign. I'm sure that others in the sock community will soon follow suit.

But, you know, it takes more than a few endorsements to win an election. It takes money. While McCain spouts lies about Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae (aren't those two of the Bobbsey Twins?) giving heaps of financial support to Obama, the truth is that McCain has received more contributions from the directors, officers and lobbyists for Mac and Mae. Honestly, if McCain would just use the internet, maybe he wouldn't get caught in so many lies.

Did you know he was a POW?

But let's get back to the ISSUES. I think we can all agree that the economy is in big, huge, honkin' trouble. We can also agree that health care is an important issue. So what does McCain think? He thinks health care should be deregulated just like the banking industry. This was reported in an actuarial magazine, so you know it's true.

In an earlier post, I said that it seems like McCain is exhibiting some of the symptoms of dementia. Here are the symptoms, according to WebMD, and how McCain stacks up:

• Having difficulty recalling recent events. [Check-can't remember from day-to-day where he stands on issues]
• Not recognizing familiar people and places. [Check-president and location of Spain]
• Having trouble finding the right words to express thoughts or name objects. [Check-every time he speaks]
• Having difficulty performing calculations. [Check-how many houses?]
• Having problems planning and carrying out tasks, such as balancing a checkbook, following a recipe, or writing a letter. [Check-campaign is floundering big time]
• Having trouble exercising judgment, such as knowing what to do in an emergency. [Check-Palin as VP, lies lies lies, and many others]
• Having difficulty controlling moods or behaviors. Depression is common, and agitation or aggression may occur. [Check-he recently was testy with some reports and accused one of taking a cheap shot]
• Not keeping up personal care such as grooming or bathing. [Check-he can't comb his own hair]

Ok, that last one isn't fair. But the others speak for themselves.

P.S. Thanks to Mark and Jenn for the Freddie Mac and healthcare info!

"What about me what?"

I'm exhausted. I've been studying very hard for next week's debate. Although, I haven't heard yet where I'm supposed to go or whether my rider has been approved (two cases of caffeine free diet coke; french fries w/ketchup; one pint of Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie ice cream).

Unlike my opponents, I don't have a slew of experts briefing me on the intricacies of foreign policy and economic reform. All I have is Google and Wikipedia. Too bad John McCain doesn't use the internet (did you know he was a POW?) because he could have quickly learned two things:

1. Spain is in Europe.
2. The president can't fire the head of the SEC.

You'd think that, knowing he was going to be interviewed by Spanish media, he'd be prepared. I especially like this little exchange:

INTERVIEWER: OK, what about Europe? I'm talking about the president of Spain.
McCAIN: What about me what?

I'll end with this little ditty: McCain on Spain sounds plainly insane.

Home Rule? Pfft.

I live in Washington, DC. In case you don't know, it is a real city with real people who live here (full-time, not just for 2, 4, or 6 years). The city is much more than the federal government. A couple of other fascinating factoids: More people live in DC than in Wyoming; the majority of residents are African-American.

I hope you all know that DC does not have Congressional representation. It took an amendment to the Constitution to give DC residents the right to vote for the president, fer cryin' out loud. Even though the city has had home rule since the mid-1970s, Congress has the final say.

Back in 1976, DC banned handguns. (Go here for a chronology of the gun ban.) Ever since, the House of Representatives has tried to overturn that law. Earlier this year, the Supreme Court finally did. [Note that this decision came soon after the one that gave a few rights to those being held at Guantanamo. The dissenting opinion in that case said that the majority's decision would result in more Americans being killed. Umm...you know, I don't have the statistics on the number of Americans killed last year in terrorist acts vs. the number killed by guns, but I'm guessing the latter is much larger than the former. I guess it's different if Americans kill Americans?]

The city has been trying to preserve as much of the prior law as possible, while still complying with the Court's decision. Apparently, that's not enough for the House, which yesterday passed legislation making it easier for residents to own guns. Gee, I guess we should just be happy they dropped the provision to allow people to carry semi-automatic weapons on the street. But it does put some limits on the city's authority to register weapons. You know it's an election year when Congress starts meddling in DC affairs in order to score points back home by doing things they would NEVER do to their own constituents. Never mind the underlying racism at play, given the city's population.

So next time you visit DC, bring your gun and your kevlar vest.

Look out, Canada. Here we come! Maybe.

Our neighbor to the north (east, if you're in Alaska) has been begging me - begging me! - to invade them. Apparently, their Prime Minister, whom they refer to as Steve in a Blue Sweater, is a lot like Bush. We feel your pain, eh?

I have to say, the idea is quite appealing to me. The one thing that gives me pause is Quebec. The French-speaking province. Where they speak "that language." Did I ever tell you about the time the French tried to kill me? Ok, it was the French-French, not Canadian-French. Still.

So I'm going to throw this one out to my reader(s). A two part question:

1) Should we invade Canada?

2) If so, include Quebec?

In case the vote is to invade, Tonya right now is in upper Montana writing up an invasion plan on a cocktail napkin, pick-up truck all gassed up and ready to cross the border in a moment's notice. Or as soon as she sobers up, whichever comes first.

Oh, my. Where to begin?

Yesterday was not a good day if your name is John McCain. For some reason, that has me doing a happy dance while snickering gleefully.

I'll cut him a bit of slack, though. It is sometimes hard to focus on the issues; even more difficult when you and your campaign are doing all sorts of boneheaded things:

• McCain got a wee bit snippy with some news folks
• Carly Fiorina thinks running Hewlett-Packard is harder than running the whole freakin' country (maybe because she got fired?)
• McCain was against regulation until he was for it
• McCain thinks this week's Wall Street debacle is on par with 9/11
• McCain went on a name-calling tirade against his biggest contributors
• McCain invented the Blackberry (snort)
• McCain is just not that good looking, especially compared to Obama
• Sarah Palin (do I really need to provide a link?)

But I can talk issues. Here's today's issue: deregulation. Not always in the public's best interest. Give 'em an inch, and they'll take a mile. Or, put another way, give them enough rope and they'll hang themselves. (See: AIG, et al)

Tonya strongly believes that regulation of the US Figure Skating Association (USFSA) is desperately needed. She emphasizes that her lifetime ban in no way influences her stance on this very important subject.

Update: The McCain lie counter is up to 55. Expect that number to go up dramatically over the next few days as McCain tries to talk issues.

P.S. Thanks to Mark for the "against regulation" link!

Oh, no! Issues!

If you saw McCain try to speak about the economy yesterday, you can clearly see why he doesn't want to talk issues. What is it about Republicans? Why are they unable to speak in complete sentences, let alone make any sense? Have you read the transcript from the Palin-Gibson interview? Most of her answers had me scratching my head and saying, "Whaaah?" It must be some sort of ultra-right-wing-wacko-conservative code because it makes no sense to me.

Getting back to McCain...he has all the charisma of a dust mote. The look on his face as he is reading his script about the "sound" economy did not match his droning words. His expression is practically screaming, "My wife handles the finances! She's the one with money, not me! We have a pre-nup that keeps my POW-scarred hands from touching her buttloads of money! Did you know I was a POW?" Then he really loses it: "Lipstick on pigs! Lipstick on pigs! Bridge to nowhere! Troopergate! Lies! Whiners! Karl Rove! OBAMA IS BLACK!" As sweat pours down his face, "Can't...talk...substance... Must...smear...somebody..."

Well, that's what I saw, anyway.

Liar, liar, pants on fire.

Aw, hell. The Democratic party beat me to it. They've created a website that counts the lies coming from the McCain-Palin campaign. Given that the count is at 51, methinks they are undercounting. As an aside, if you want to get a snapshot of the McCain-Palin campaign, check out the Tom Toles cartoon in today's Washington Post. Hee! Ah, to be a successful cartoonist.

Anyhoo...I wonder if McCain will start talking about the economy (or any issues) now that the stock market is reeling from the Lehman Bros. bankruptcy. Merrill Lynch isn't looking so hot either. Or maybe instead they'll be outraged over Tina Fey's scarily accurate portrayal of Palin on SNL. Did Fey nail Palin, or what? The hair, the voice, the lack of recognition that she's not qualified to be VP, etc. Are we 100% sure that really wasn't Palin?

Anyway, back to the economy. Just so you know, my campaign is pro-economy. Any country that wants to make it in this world has to have an economy. (Didn't somebody famous once say, "It's the economy, stupid"?) Once elected, Tonya and I promise to cross the country and plant trees that grow money. Then we'll take that harvest (estimated at $10B per month) and use it to fund the 100 year war in Iraq.

Smears!!!

Is it possible for the McCain campaign to sink lower? The answer is a resounding YES. Just look at this photo they released. As if I'd really go topless and put on antlers. Tsk. Have they no shame? No. No they don't.

As can clearly be seen in the reports of Palin's dictatorship as mayor of Wasilla. Does anybody know if that was even a full-time job? I mean, there were 5,500 residents when she was mayor. Why on earth would that (a) be full-time, and (2) require a deputy administrator? Really odd.

And where is McCain these days? Why is he rarely in the news? Is he with Cheney in the Veep's bunker? If Cheney is really even still alive. I have my doubts. Look at photos of him. If that isn't a corpse, I'll dress in a red Speedo and put on antlers. (Err...that photo is clearly photoshopped, dammit!)

Everything I read about Obama is about issues. Why does he insist on continuing to talk about the economy? Doesn't he know there are more important things going on, like whining about sexism and lipstick on pigs?

Prepping for the VP debate

I'm sure you're wondering where my running mate, Tonya Harding, has been hiding herself. I can't tell you where she is (not sure I know myself), but I can tell you that she has been working very hard to be ready for the VP debate on October 2.

She's a huge fan of Where in the World is Carmen San Diego? and Dora the Explorer. Between watching DVDs of those shows and her extensive world travelling (unlike another VP candidate I won't name for fear of being labelled sexist), I think she'll ace any geography questions that come up.

I'm a little worried about the swimsuit competition, though. Not just because Tonya isn't as svelte as she used to be. No, I'm more disturbed at the thought of Joe Biden in a Speedo. That's a Google search I don't want to do.

McCain - dude, he's old!

John McCain is 72 years old. 72! He's the same age as my father. My dad is retired - so should be McCain. I don't understand politicians who continue to run for office well into their 70s and 80s (and 90s: Strom Thurmond). Of course, why people continue to elect them is also a head-scratcher. Don't tell me you want "change" if you support this old fart who doesn't even know how to surf the web or send email. (Hey - my 93-year-old grandmother knows how to send email. McCain - what's YOUR excuse? Oh, wait. He won't be reading this.) Well, I suppose it's change - if moving back in time is the change you're after.

So let's take a look at some historical dates:

• 8/29/1936: McCain is born
• 12/7/1941: Pearl Harbor bombed (McCain has said he remembers this)
• 12/1/1955: Rosa Parks refuses to give up her seat on a bus (couldn't find any reminiscing on this topic)
• 1958: Graduated from Naval Academy (894th of 899)
• 1959: Alaska and Hawaii admitted as the 49th and 50th states, respectively (I assume he remembers this as well? Perhaps he has shared his fond memories with both Palin and Obama?)
• 8/4/1961: Barack Obama is born
• 6/27/1963: I was born

Now, there's nothing wrong with his being alive during some of these historic events, or even that he still remembers. What is a HUGE concern to me is that he is 72-YEARS-OLD, has a history of skin cancer, apparently has no qualms about out-and-out lying and, most of all, that Sarah Palin is his back-up. This last one makes me wonder if that's a sign of dementia.

If Palin really wants to have an impact in Washington, the Mystics desperately need a point guard.

Russia's close, but what about Canada?

From Palin's little chat with Charlie, it seems she's ready and willing to hop in a helicopter and shoot down some Russkies with her machine gun, or whatever it is she uses. Sure, on a clear day, you can see Russia from Alaska. But what about Canada?!

I mean, it's right there. How can you ignore it? It's HUGE! And it must have something we want, besides healthcare for everyone. Maple syrup! That's it. When I'm elected President, I will invade Canada and build a pipeline so that all Americans have REAL maple syrup. Not that flavored corn syrup crap. What's your stand on maple syrup, McCain? Huh?

My guess is Big John would rather invade Russia than Canada, for the cachet. Personally, if I'm going to be a POW, I'd rather be in Canada. Most of them speak English, which will come in handy when I need to go to the "little monkey's room" or want a caffeine free diet coke. I also have friends in Canada. They're nice people. I don't know anybody in Russia, so am not qualified to comment on their friendliness.

Going after McCain-Palin's base

I'm sure you all know by now that Palin wants to criminalize abortions even in cases of rape or incest. Did you know that she also supported making rape victims pay for the forensic tests related to their cases? Apparently, her position on abortion makes her a darling of the far-right. So why not take it a step farther?

Let's say that if a rape victim gets pregnant and refuses to marry the father/rapist (what kind of family values does she have, anyway??), she then can't sue him for child support if she chooses to raise the child. Taking this position should get me a step closer than darling in the eyes of the wacko right-wing extremists.

Palin finally speaks!

Not that I've listened to any of it. Her voice is like nails on a chalkboard to me. And what's with that updo?

But, hey, let's be fair. Why shouldn't she believe that Iraq was responsible for the 9/11 attacks? After all, Bush and Cheney have been saying that for the last seven years. Like all good Repubs, she's in lock-step with the Bush administration, so she's blindly following their lead.

And isn't meeting foreign leaders totally overrated? Besides, I've seen photos of her with other governors. Alaska, not being part of the contiguous US, is practically a foreign country.

And so what if everything that came out of her mouth sounded like she memorized a few talking points? She's a mom! How can we expect her to fuss over little things like facts when she has a baby to feed?

But don't mention her family because that's sexist. She can use them as political pawns all she wants, but don't you dare do it, too.

I'm taking a stand

This whole Republican-righteous-indignation over Obama's "pig with lipstick" comment is just silly. Hey, I'm originally from Iowa, so I know from pigs. And believe me, a little lipstick wouldn't hurt. Maybe some Chanel No. 5 while you're at it.

So my campaign is taking a position that, if farm animals want to wear make-up, let them. Think of the jobs it will create - all those Avon ladies going farm-to-farm, cosmetic companies rushing to create new shades of blush that will accent the cheekbones of chickens, etc.

Donate to me now

I've decide to launch a bid for the presidency. The goal, should I fall short of the votes needed to win, will be to steal away as many votes from McCain as I possibly can. To help me do that, I've decided to ask Tonya Harding to be my VP. Why Tonya? True, there's the risk of alienating the figure-skating bloc, but I think the pros outweigh the cons:

• She's female, and we know from the Republicans that women vote gender, not issues.
• Who hasn't wanted to bust some kneecaps from time-to-time? Especially the kneecaps of, say, ex-brothers-in-law?
• There's no such thing as bad publicity. And if there is bad publicity, it's all a vast left-wing conspiracy by the liberal media and Washington elite to attack this poor, defenseless creature. It's sexist, too.

Thank you in advance for your large cash donation.